A Poor Man’s Arguably Hot Historical

September 17, 2008 by

It’s true. Whether or not you are bewitched by his knowing gaze, as I am, Senator Robert M. La Follette (1855-1925) is a poor man’s Martin Sheen.

Or is Martin Sheen’s a poor man’s La Follette?

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What do you like about John McCain?

September 4, 2008 by

Palin, with her farcical familial drama, is stealing all of McCain’s thunder. Let’s put him back in the spot light, and try to find his silver lining.

1. He has an excellent vocabulary! It takes a scholar to call one’s wife a “trollop!”

2. His hair and skin are nearly the same color. Monochromatic color schemes are so chic.

3. He “has proved his commitment with blood.” (R. Giuliani) That’s intense!

4. He has an adopted daughter from Bangladesh, so he’s a humanitarian, obV. Nevermind that we never see or hear about her.

5. He does that weird thumbs-up thing because he can’t raise his arms over his head. Old war injuries are badass!

6. He will prove to be a thoughtful leader, who will guide us into a new era of prosperity and peace.

7. His powers of diplomacy will win our country many international allies.

8. He wears nice ties.

I can’t think of anything else. Can you?

Dispatches from the RNC

September 4, 2008 by

And now we present to you, our most eloquent take on Sarah Palin’s speech at the Republican National Convention (featuring unwitting guest blogger, The Rhymenocerous).

Jame (10:37:00 PM): the boyfriend looks

Jame (10:37:01 PM): so

Jame (10:37:03 PM): uncomfortable

Rhymenocerous(10:37:21 PM): probably b/c they pinned him in the corner

Rhymenocerous(10:37:26 PM): and said LISTEN GODDAMMIT

Rhymenocerous(10:37:33 PM): YOU’RE GONNA MARRY THIS BITCH

Rhymenocerous(10:37:41 PM): OR I’M GONNA SEND THE WHOLE DAMN NRA AFTER YOU

Rhymenocerous(10:37:50 PM): AND TELL THEM YOU WANT STRICTER GUN CONTROL

Jame (10:37:54 PM): what the hell is she talking about?

Jame (10:37:59 PM): why is special needs a platform?

Rhymenocerous(10:38:06 PM): babies jesus and guns

Rhymenocerous(10:38:14 PM): ew

Rhymenocerous(10:38:17 PM): the way she just talked

Rhymenocerous(10:38:18 PM): ew

Jame (10:38:22 PM): (miak) republicans are the party of retards!  look at them clapping!

Rhymenocerous(10:38:32 PM): yaaaaaaay!

Rhymenocerous(10:38:52 PM): omg i love fish!

Rhymenocerous(10:38:55 PM): and oil!

Rhymenocerous(10:38:59 PM): and steel!

Rhymenocerous(10:39:09 PM): AND SNOWMACHINE RACING OMGOMGOMG

Rhymenocerous(10:39:27 PM): FAMILY VALUES FTWWWWWWWWWWW

Jame (10:39:47 PM): she is not saying anything???

Jame (10:40:36 PM): HABERDASHER FTW!

Rhymenocerous(10:41:38 PM): LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

(What’s the difference between a hockey mom and a pitbull? Lipstick!)

Rhymenocerous(10:42:13 PM): oh so you’re a crazy rabid bitch

Rhymenocerous(10:42:51 PM): i’m voting palin b/c i <33333333333 babies

Jame (10:42:52 PM): is that their official slogan or something?

Jame (10:42:55 PM): the great state?

Jame (10:43:32 PM): awkward cheering

Jame (10:43:45 PM): what the hell just happened?

Rhymenocerous(10:44:43 PM): protester

Rhymenocerous(10:44:59 PM): raising hell

Rhymenocerous(10:45:07 PM): BITCH

Rhymenocerous(10:45:12 PM): YOU ARE UNQUALIFIED

Rhymenocerous(10:45:22 PM): THERE IS NO STEPPING AROUND THIS

Jame (10:45:29 PM): yes

Jame (10:45:51 PM): she is running on crazy ass items

Jame (10:45:54 PM): hockey

Rhymenocerous(10:46:02 PM): she really has said nothing

Jame (10:46:08 PM): no!

Rhymenocerous(10:46:11 PM): this is a pep rally

Rhymenocerous(10:46:15 PM): but the high school version

Jame (10:46:16 PM): this is like a bad valedictorian speech

Jame (10:46:31 PM): these homemade signs are shitty

Rhymenocerous(10:47:09 PM): whole convention

Rhymenocerous(10:47:12 PM): equal shitty

Jame (10:48:59 PM): this is vile

(I drive myself to work!)

Jame (10:49:19 PM): OMG WOMAN CAN DRIVE

Rhymenocerous(10:49:35 PM): WHO LET THIS HAPPEN

Rhymenocerous(10:50:26 PM): god what is this accent

Jame (10:50:46 PM): i don’t even know

Jame (10:51:03 PM): i appreciate the shot of the teleprompter though

Rhymenocerous(10:52:58 PM): i’m tingling all over

Rhymenocerous(10:53:03 PM): the sexism…

Rhymenocerous(10:53:07 PM): is taking over…

Jame (10:53:09 PM): i also like that she went from hurricane–>oil

Rhymenocerous(10:53:17 PM): every second i watch this…

Jame (10:53:19 PM): and not all the people that were fucked over by katrina

Rhymenocerous(10:53:59 PM): this is obama’s stance!

Rhymenocerous(10:54:03 PM): he’s for drilling!

Jame (10:54:12 PM): they don’t know that

Jame (10:54:24 PM): there is someone in the hat dressed as abe lincoln

Rhymenocerous(10:54:45 PM): AMERICA.

Rhymenocerous(10:55:28 PM): oh please complain about his lack of experience

Rhymenocerous(10:55:33 PM): please do it

Rhymenocerous(10:55:33 PM): pleaaaaaaaaaaase

Jame (10:55:44 PM): i don’t remember her authoring any laws either…

Jame (10:56:06 PM): victory in iraq?

Jame (10:56:08 PM): srsly?

Rhymenocerous(10:56:20 PM): for real

Rhymenocerous(10:56:29 PM): we already won remember

Rhymenocerous(10:57:19 PM): how the fuck long has victory been in sight in iraq

Rhymenocerous(10:57:24 PM): since 2004?

Jame (10:57:45 PM): yes when we got the weapons of mass destruction

Jame (10:57:48 PM): oh ho ho

Rhymenocerous(10:57:52 PM): she is doing a good job of tapping into the republican mindset

Jame (10:57:53 PM): human rights?

Jame (10:57:56 PM): what’s that?

Jame (10:58:05 PM): half the people look like champ kind

Rhymenocerous(10:58:09 PM): LOLOL

Rhymenocerous(10:58:15 PM): WHAT IN THE HELL’S HUMAN RIGHTS?

Jame (10:58:40 PM): everyone is thinking so hard

Jame (10:59:02 PM): WHAMMY

Rhymenocerous(11:01:45 PM): she’s making me sexist

Rhymenocerous(11:03:08 PM): and if this speech lasts much longer, gay too

Rhymenocerous(11:04:57 PM): kerry fought in vietnam and got attacked for it

Jame (11:04:59 PM): she really does remind me of an annoying ass history teacher

Jame (11:05:07 PM): mccain aint done shit for me

Rhymenocerous(11:05:22 PM): cept make my penis soff

Jame (11:05:37 PM): i mean i’m not gonna lie he was kinda hot

Jame (11:05:42 PM): but those days are gone

Rhymenocerous(11:09:57 PM): holdthebabyholdthebabyholdthebabyholdthebaby

Rhymenocerous(11:11:49 PM): what a beautiful faaaaaaaaaamily

Rhymenocerous(11:12:33 PM): i keep wonderin what the b/f’s thinking lookin around

Jame (11:13:00 PM): really regretting not just batting solo that night

Rhymenocerous(11:14:15 PM): i’m pretty sure an avg fact checker could discredit every damn thing she said about obama in an hour

Jame (11:14:17 PM): even these commentators are retarded

Rhymenocerous(11:17:58 PM): she served her purpose well

Rhymenocerous(11:18:21 PM): that seems to be why mccain picked her, to get republicans excited about their own candidate

Jame (11:18:21 PM): she’s a disgrace to women

Rhymenocerous(11:18:39 PM): but i don’t see it bringing more moderates to them

Jame (11:18:43 PM): nowai

Rhymenocerous(11:18:51 PM): damn, harsh words

What do you like about Sarah Palin?

September 4, 2008 by

The internet is full of negative, snarky comments about her, so I thought we could shake things up a little. We can be “mavericks” too.  Here is a list of nice things about Sarah Palin.

1. She did not abort. In either case.

2. She loves her family, probably.

3. She has given our gender a political voice, and will most surely represent women’s interests, should McCain take the White House.

4. I like her glasses.

5. She can read off a teleprompter.

6. She seems to be in pretty good shape. Not easy on the campaign trail!

7. She is proud to be an american.

8. Very nice bone structure!

9. She gave birth FIVE times! OMG!

10. Mr. Palin = beefcake.

Cindy McCain

September 4, 2008 by

Cindy McCain is…

A poor man’s Argus Filch.

Pretty sure they both hate the shit outta wizards too.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair. I have gathered here before me the world’s deadliest assassins.

September 4, 2008 by

Dr. Evil

Palin

I see what you did there.

Michelle Obama channels Jackie O, and Cindy McCain gets compared to Nancy Reagan, and Sarah Palin dazzles in this power suit, an homage to Dr. Evil.

She probably has an underground volcano lair with laser-headed sharks, too.

Political Poor Man’s

September 4, 2008 by

Palin

Fey
Sarah Palin, you might be a poor man’s Tina Fey. (I was thinking Lisa Loeb at first, but Lorelle swayed my vote to Fey.)

Diocletian’s Palace

July 28, 2008 by

I have traveled the world to bring you the pleasures of the past. A UNESCO World Heritage Site, Diocletian’s Palace stands stately on the bright shores of the Adriatic.

The Palace lies at the heart of present day Split’s historical center. (This is where all of the tourists go.) Just outside the palace walls is a vibrant open air market, where you may buy a beach towel emblazoned with Persian cats, as I did. The antique marble of the palace and the squares of the old town shine beneath the sun by day, or under the dim street lights in the dark of the Croatian night. And you will be shining, your heart aroused by the Romance of this destination, a favorite among Australians and Central Europeans. The Southern Wall, which faces seaward, is lined with cafe bars and palms. It is here that you will eat strudel, gelato, and get drunk late at night. Carouse. See the moon sparkle in the deep blue sea. The pleasures of the past are the pleasures of today. Feel it.

Dome: a home.

July 28, 2008 by

Dome, a four letter noun, meaning a structure, such as a vaulted ceiling or hill about the shape of a chocolate bombe, in its most archaic usage refers to a large stately building. Or contemporarily – a more humble abode akin to our dome, a cottage built in the 1930’s that happens to be showing its age a little more than we might like.

Maybe you rent a house as well. The floors are uneven, the doors are drafty, the basement is damp, and the window frames are rotting. Maybe you’ve found vermin in various states of animation or decay reposing amongst your personal effects or under your love-seat or coffee table. Lord knows, we have. From reading up on the subject, one would be inclined to think that living in an old house is a whimsical adventure, that secret passages await discovery underneath the stairs, and treasures like old postcards, newspaper clippings, and half-drunk bottles of brandy anticipate the incandescent light that will be cast upon them after so many years spent tucked away in the dusty darkness of clandestine nooks and cupboards and closets. But no, the adventure is not to be realized because maybe your sink fell out of the wall and you can’t get in touch with your landlord because it is Saturday.

You know what else is on Saturday? Your local farmer’s market. Get on down there, buy some flowers, and take save your shanty from the jaws of dilapidation. There are a lot of books and blogs and journal articles written on this hip new thing called being “green” and “sustainable living.” They will tell you that it is important to save the planet by doing things like shopping locally, driving less, conserving energy, and reducing waste. We will tell you to do the same things, but not because you’re going to make a difference. DO IT BECAUSE IT IS BETTER. IT IS 31337. IT IS PLEASURE.

So here it is. A list of ways you can make a difference around your dome. Make it a home, bish.

1. Shop locally. It is fact, proved by my mouth, that local produce, eggs, and dairy taste better. This is because they are not six months old, and they have not been mouldering in the back of a store. And you will feel so tickled that you’ve invested in your community, you’ll be on cloud 9. You’re not common, are you? Not in the least.

2. Drive Less. Driving can be pleasurable, but not at $5 a gallon. Also, traffic is pretty much the antithesis of pleasure, as it exacerbates all kinds of nervous disorders. Biking, walking, and mass transit are pleasurable. For one thing they’re cheap. Plus, you get to take in the beauty and strangeness of the world around you, IN ADDITION TO WHICH you’ll get a little exercise – good for working off all those local empanadas that you’ll be eating. It is difficult to stay thin in a nation of plenty. And everything is so delicious. Get out yr car; fight heart disease and war. What does this have to do with Dome, you ask? You’ll stay at home more when you have to make an effort to leave, and nothing fights a sink full of dishes like you will when you can no longer stand yr own squalor.

3. Conserve Energy by turning off lights, drying yr clothes outside, turning that thermostat up a few degrees (or down if it’s cold), and etc. – you know what to do. Your billz will be lower, and you can use the money you will save to support local businesses that charge more for their services than do corporate chains.

4. Reduce Waste. This one is tricky. Reuse, recycle, and really don’t buy all that junk that you’ve been buying. You don’t need it. And if you do, you can probably find it used. Think about all of the packaging that you go through, and how much of a bother it is to get into it, just to throw it away. Taking out the trash = annoying. I mean, I just bought an external hard drive. It took me a week to get through all the packaging, and another week to put it in the trashcan, and then that didn’t get taken out for days. (Which speaks to the sparsity of our collective waste, but never you mind about our success.) You probably already feel guilty about that stuff you bought at Urban last week, so just don’t.

See how relevant we are! OMGZ. Moar household tipz and recipes are on the horizon.

A most eloquent defense for the morning after

June 25, 2008 by

Sometimes, carrying that invisible backpack can get really tiresome–i guess it can feel a little heavy–and white dudes just need to vent/ let it all hang out in their art.

Colin Meloy does frat boys everywhere a favor with this line in the Decemberists’ song, “We Both Go Down Together”:

I laid you down in the grass of a clearing/You wept but your soul was willing.

Perfect. that sounds WAY better than, “you didn’t say no, bitch!”

You could also use it in-the-moment. “honey, you are weeping now…but c’mon. just put the tip in. i KNOW your soul is willing.”

Bonus–the rest of the song is easy for frat dudes to relate to. The dude brah in the song “comes from wealth and beauty, untouched by work or duty,” but he totally wants to bone the “help,” who is a “dirty daughter from the labor camps.” It’s that whole power-dynamic thing that dudes get tired of carrying around in their backpack.