What do you like about John McCain?

Palin, with her farcical familial drama, is stealing all of McCain’s thunder. Let’s put him back in the spot light, and try to find his silver lining.

1. He has an excellent vocabulary! It takes a scholar to call one’s wife a “trollop!”

2. His hair and skin are nearly the same color. Monochromatic color schemes are so chic.

3. He “has proved his commitment with blood.” (R. Giuliani) That’s intense!

4. He has an adopted daughter from Bangladesh, so he’s a humanitarian, obV. Nevermind that we never see or hear about her.

5. He does that weird thumbs-up thing because he can’t raise his arms over his head. Old war injuries are badass!

6. He will prove to be a thoughtful leader, who will guide us into a new era of prosperity and peace.

7. His powers of diplomacy will win our country many international allies.

8. He wears nice ties.

I can’t think of anything else. Can you?

Dispatches from the RNC

And now we present to you, our most eloquent take on Sarah Palin’s speech at the Republican National Convention (featuring unwitting guest blogger, The Rhymenocerous).

Jame (10:37:00 PM): the boyfriend looks

Jame (10:37:01 PM): so

Jame (10:37:03 PM): uncomfortable

Rhymenocerous(10:37:21 PM): probably b/c they pinned him in the corner

Rhymenocerous(10:37:26 PM): and said LISTEN GODDAMMIT

Rhymenocerous(10:37:33 PM): YOU’RE GONNA MARRY THIS BITCH

Rhymenocerous(10:37:41 PM): OR I’M GONNA SEND THE WHOLE DAMN NRA AFTER YOU

Rhymenocerous(10:37:50 PM): AND TELL THEM YOU WANT STRICTER GUN CONTROL

Jame (10:37:54 PM): what the hell is she talking about?

Jame (10:37:59 PM): why is special needs a platform?

Rhymenocerous(10:38:06 PM): babies jesus and guns

Rhymenocerous(10:38:14 PM): ew

Rhymenocerous(10:38:17 PM): the way she just talked

Rhymenocerous(10:38:18 PM): ew

Jame (10:38:22 PM): (miak) republicans are the party of retards!  look at them clapping!

Rhymenocerous(10:38:32 PM): yaaaaaaay!

Rhymenocerous(10:38:52 PM): omg i love fish!

Rhymenocerous(10:38:55 PM): and oil!

Rhymenocerous(10:38:59 PM): and steel!

Rhymenocerous(10:39:09 PM): AND SNOWMACHINE RACING OMGOMGOMG

Rhymenocerous(10:39:27 PM): FAMILY VALUES FTWWWWWWWWWWW

Jame (10:39:47 PM): she is not saying anything???

Jame (10:40:36 PM): HABERDASHER FTW!

Rhymenocerous(10:41:38 PM): LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

(What’s the difference between a hockey mom and a pitbull? Lipstick!)

Rhymenocerous(10:42:13 PM): oh so you’re a crazy rabid bitch

Rhymenocerous(10:42:51 PM): i’m voting palin b/c i <33333333333 babies

Jame (10:42:52 PM): is that their official slogan or something?

Jame (10:42:55 PM): the great state?

Jame (10:43:32 PM): awkward cheering

Jame (10:43:45 PM): what the hell just happened?

Rhymenocerous(10:44:43 PM): protester

Rhymenocerous(10:44:59 PM): raising hell

Rhymenocerous(10:45:07 PM): BITCH

Rhymenocerous(10:45:12 PM): YOU ARE UNQUALIFIED

Rhymenocerous(10:45:22 PM): THERE IS NO STEPPING AROUND THIS

Jame (10:45:29 PM): yes

Jame (10:45:51 PM): she is running on crazy ass items

Jame (10:45:54 PM): hockey

Rhymenocerous(10:46:02 PM): she really has said nothing

Jame (10:46:08 PM): no!

Rhymenocerous(10:46:11 PM): this is a pep rally

Rhymenocerous(10:46:15 PM): but the high school version

Jame (10:46:16 PM): this is like a bad valedictorian speech

Jame (10:46:31 PM): these homemade signs are shitty

Rhymenocerous(10:47:09 PM): whole convention

Rhymenocerous(10:47:12 PM): equal shitty

Jame (10:48:59 PM): this is vile

(I drive myself to work!)

Jame (10:49:19 PM): OMG WOMAN CAN DRIVE

Rhymenocerous(10:49:35 PM): WHO LET THIS HAPPEN

Rhymenocerous(10:50:26 PM): god what is this accent

Jame (10:50:46 PM): i don’t even know

Jame (10:51:03 PM): i appreciate the shot of the teleprompter though

Rhymenocerous(10:52:58 PM): i’m tingling all over

Rhymenocerous(10:53:03 PM): the sexism…

Rhymenocerous(10:53:07 PM): is taking over…

Jame (10:53:09 PM): i also like that she went from hurricane–>oil

Rhymenocerous(10:53:17 PM): every second i watch this…

Jame (10:53:19 PM): and not all the people that were fucked over by katrina

Rhymenocerous(10:53:59 PM): this is obama’s stance!

Rhymenocerous(10:54:03 PM): he’s for drilling!

Jame (10:54:12 PM): they don’t know that

Jame (10:54:24 PM): there is someone in the hat dressed as abe lincoln

Rhymenocerous(10:54:45 PM): AMERICA.

Rhymenocerous(10:55:28 PM): oh please complain about his lack of experience

Rhymenocerous(10:55:33 PM): please do it

Rhymenocerous(10:55:33 PM): pleaaaaaaaaaaase

Jame (10:55:44 PM): i don’t remember her authoring any laws either…

Jame (10:56:06 PM): victory in iraq?

Jame (10:56:08 PM): srsly?

Rhymenocerous(10:56:20 PM): for real

Rhymenocerous(10:56:29 PM): we already won remember

Rhymenocerous(10:57:19 PM): how the fuck long has victory been in sight in iraq

Rhymenocerous(10:57:24 PM): since 2004?

Jame (10:57:45 PM): yes when we got the weapons of mass destruction

Jame (10:57:48 PM): oh ho ho

Rhymenocerous(10:57:52 PM): she is doing a good job of tapping into the republican mindset

Jame (10:57:53 PM): human rights?

Jame (10:57:56 PM): what’s that?

Jame (10:58:05 PM): half the people look like champ kind

Rhymenocerous(10:58:09 PM): LOLOL

Rhymenocerous(10:58:15 PM): WHAT IN THE HELL’S HUMAN RIGHTS?

Jame (10:58:40 PM): everyone is thinking so hard

Jame (10:59:02 PM): WHAMMY

Rhymenocerous(11:01:45 PM): she’s making me sexist

Rhymenocerous(11:03:08 PM): and if this speech lasts much longer, gay too

Rhymenocerous(11:04:57 PM): kerry fought in vietnam and got attacked for it

Jame (11:04:59 PM): she really does remind me of an annoying ass history teacher

Jame (11:05:07 PM): mccain aint done shit for me

Rhymenocerous(11:05:22 PM): cept make my penis soff

Jame (11:05:37 PM): i mean i’m not gonna lie he was kinda hot

Jame (11:05:42 PM): but those days are gone

Rhymenocerous(11:09:57 PM): holdthebabyholdthebabyholdthebabyholdthebaby

Rhymenocerous(11:11:49 PM): what a beautiful faaaaaaaaaamily

Rhymenocerous(11:12:33 PM): i keep wonderin what the b/f’s thinking lookin around

Jame (11:13:00 PM): really regretting not just batting solo that night

Rhymenocerous(11:14:15 PM): i’m pretty sure an avg fact checker could discredit every damn thing she said about obama in an hour

Jame (11:14:17 PM): even these commentators are retarded

Rhymenocerous(11:17:58 PM): she served her purpose well

Rhymenocerous(11:18:21 PM): that seems to be why mccain picked her, to get republicans excited about their own candidate

Jame (11:18:21 PM): she’s a disgrace to women

Rhymenocerous(11:18:39 PM): but i don’t see it bringing more moderates to them

Jame (11:18:43 PM): nowai

Rhymenocerous(11:18:51 PM): damn, harsh words

What do you like about Sarah Palin?

The internet is full of negative, snarky comments about her, so I thought we could shake things up a little. We can be “mavericks” too.  Here is a list of nice things about Sarah Palin.

1. She did not abort. In either case.

2. She loves her family, probably.

3. She has given our gender a political voice, and will most surely represent women’s interests, should McCain take the White House.

4. I like her glasses.

5. She can read off a teleprompter.

6. She seems to be in pretty good shape. Not easy on the campaign trail!

7. She is proud to be an american.

8. Very nice bone structure!

9. She gave birth FIVE times! OMG!

10. Mr. Palin = beefcake.

Dome: a home.

Dome, a four letter noun, meaning a structure, such as a vaulted ceiling or hill about the shape of a chocolate bombe, in its most archaic usage refers to a large stately building. Or contemporarily – a more humble abode akin to our dome, a cottage built in the 1930’s that happens to be showing its age a little more than we might like.

Maybe you rent a house as well. The floors are uneven, the doors are drafty, the basement is damp, and the window frames are rotting. Maybe you’ve found vermin in various states of animation or decay reposing amongst your personal effects or under your love-seat or coffee table. Lord knows, we have. From reading up on the subject, one would be inclined to think that living in an old house is a whimsical adventure, that secret passages await discovery underneath the stairs, and treasures like old postcards, newspaper clippings, and half-drunk bottles of brandy anticipate the incandescent light that will be cast upon them after so many years spent tucked away in the dusty darkness of clandestine nooks and cupboards and closets. But no, the adventure is not to be realized because maybe your sink fell out of the wall and you can’t get in touch with your landlord because it is Saturday.

You know what else is on Saturday? Your local farmer’s market. Get on down there, buy some flowers, and take save your shanty from the jaws of dilapidation. There are a lot of books and blogs and journal articles written on this hip new thing called being “green” and “sustainable living.” They will tell you that it is important to save the planet by doing things like shopping locally, driving less, conserving energy, and reducing waste. We will tell you to do the same things, but not because you’re going to make a difference. DO IT BECAUSE IT IS BETTER. IT IS 31337. IT IS PLEASURE.

So here it is. A list of ways you can make a difference around your dome. Make it a home, bish.

1. Shop locally. It is fact, proved by my mouth, that local produce, eggs, and dairy taste better. This is because they are not six months old, and they have not been mouldering in the back of a store. And you will feel so tickled that you’ve invested in your community, you’ll be on cloud 9. You’re not common, are you? Not in the least.

2. Drive Less. Driving can be pleasurable, but not at $5 a gallon. Also, traffic is pretty much the antithesis of pleasure, as it exacerbates all kinds of nervous disorders. Biking, walking, and mass transit are pleasurable. For one thing they’re cheap. Plus, you get to take in the beauty and strangeness of the world around you, IN ADDITION TO WHICH you’ll get a little exercise – good for working off all those local empanadas that you’ll be eating. It is difficult to stay thin in a nation of plenty. And everything is so delicious. Get out yr car; fight heart disease and war. What does this have to do with Dome, you ask? You’ll stay at home more when you have to make an effort to leave, and nothing fights a sink full of dishes like you will when you can no longer stand yr own squalor.

3. Conserve Energy by turning off lights, drying yr clothes outside, turning that thermostat up a few degrees (or down if it’s cold), and etc. – you know what to do. Your billz will be lower, and you can use the money you will save to support local businesses that charge more for their services than do corporate chains.

4. Reduce Waste. This one is tricky. Reuse, recycle, and really don’t buy all that junk that you’ve been buying. You don’t need it. And if you do, you can probably find it used. Think about all of the packaging that you go through, and how much of a bother it is to get into it, just to throw it away. Taking out the trash = annoying. I mean, I just bought an external hard drive. It took me a week to get through all the packaging, and another week to put it in the trashcan, and then that didn’t get taken out for days. (Which speaks to the sparsity of our collective waste, but never you mind about our success.) You probably already feel guilty about that stuff you bought at Urban last week, so just don’t.

See how relevant we are! OMGZ. Moar household tipz and recipes are on the horizon.

Home Alone

We drink stout beer. We lift heavy objects, fix our own flat tires, and kill the over-sized insects that infiltrate The Pleasure Hovel every summer. Damn right Beyonce, I depend on me. But this is fucking scary.

Woman sat dead in front of TV for 42 years

The headline sounds like a joke. And yet it happened. It’s easy to imagine ourselves in her place– sitting down with a steaming pile of crap (courtesy of Lean Cuisine), cuing up the latest ANTM, and then expiring with only the cats to administer our last rites. How long would it take for some unfortunate soul to stumble upon us? Hours? Days? Weeks?

Ok, realistically? Probably only about 15 minutes (we currently exist in a post-baccalaureate state of codependency and poverty). But what about in 30 years when we have all become divorced from our spouses and ostracized by our children? WHAT THEN?!

If you are not shitting your pants at the prospect of dying alone in The Den o’ Pleasure, then it’s simply because you have not seen our couch.

The Hot Homeless

So I’m driving down the road the other day and what should I spy over by the Bojangles, but a man. A homeless man. A smoking HOT homeless man. He was in his mid-forties, probably, grizzled and rough the way George Clooney sometimes looks on the shiny pages of politically-conscious magazines. Needless to say, he set my heart aflutter. The Japanese have this thing called suiseki, which is the art of the appreciation of stones – a truly pleasurable pastime. An exceptionally fine stone would exhibit a complex patina, kissed by moss, and evocative of a distant landscape. When I saw that homeless man I thought to myself, “How like a stone he is – rough-hewn and care-worn. Ah, the beauty, the understated elegance of his visage!” I brought my musings to the attention of The Pleasure Haus at large and what follows are our conclusions.

1. It might be good to date a homeless person, because they would have plenty of time to spend with you.

2. However, Saved By the Bell teaches us that homelessness and employment are not mutually exclusive. So, #1 may be inaccurate in some cases.

3. Makeovers! The homeless often have long, unruly hair and beards that can be styled in many different and exciting ways.

4. I know that I am always looking for free food opportunities. With a homeless counterpart you may frequent soup kitchens, and accept donated boxes of canned goods with impunity.

5. There are many different kinds of homeless people. Among these are drifters, hobos, tramps, beggars, mendicants, bums, vagrants, and vagabonds. Choose one that suits your lifestyle and temperament.

Multiple precedents have been set for dating the homeless, see Zack Morris in #2. The subdued beauty of the homeless has inspired a photo-shoot on a recent episode of America’s Next Top Model. Also, hipsters. Many hipsters have adopted the laissez-faire attitude of dress and hygiene so often associated with the homeless, so much so that it can be easy to mistake one for the other. Hipsters, however, are not as datable as the homeless because, unlike the homeless, they will judge you. Be careful though. Some homeless people are the victims of addictions or mental illnesses. These will drain your resources. Also, some homeless people are not hot. Stay away from these as well.

Good luck!

[PSA: If you don't want to date the homeless, here are some other things you can do to help. And, don't forget you can donate to food banks and thingz as well. It's so easy!]

pleshar tr0ll decrees

From my lair perched high atop the Pleasure Dome, I issue a fatwa calling for an end to Henry Rollins, the writer. Sing your songs Henry Rollins, but please – publish no more.

Henry Rollins, you have no business writing poetry. Please stop. A brief exerpt from See a Grown Man Cry, Now Watch Him Die

“I’m hot / I’m heat / It’s hot out tonight because I’m alive / Breathe in the smell of your body / Other bodies / The heat makes me want to destroy myself / Makes me want you / Catch fire like a disease”

Catch fire like a disease? Meaning, sense, and clarity, Henry! I can’t even comment on this.

May your tongue be cut out. May your hands be lopped off. May toxoplasma gondii eat your brains and may you be devoured by cats. May the Lord come down and, with his divine vengeance and holy arms, sweep every tragic volume of your work away. Far, far away. Away from the pustular faces of teenagers in dark, baggy clothing. Away from sleazy guys in their mid-twenties who never progressed beyond a seventh grade reading level. Away from me when I go to the bookstore looking for something legitimate only to find your gaudy texts clogging up the shelves. This is what I pray.

-therin

this christmas: moar, moar, MOARRR

You know why Americans are in trouble economically, besides all that subprime loan stuff? It’s because our national motto is not REALLY something weird and Latin. It’s really, “don’t be afraid to finance” your dreams/life/every whim.

The economy might be sliiiiiding to depressing lows and our national debt and our national credit debt might be spiraling to dizzying heights, but it is ok. Just let the newspapers and holiday catalogues make you feel like a millionaire!

The NY Times has a list of 53 Places to go in 2008. Exotic destinations like Laos, one of the least developed countries in the world! Don’t witness 80% of the employed Laotian population practice subsistence farming as you luxuriate in your suite at the “seriously upscale” La Residence Phou Vao Hotel.

And Libya is on the list, too. Seriously, Libya? What kind of try-hard would go to Libya for the sole purpose of out-exotic destination-ing the rest of us?

This list is all about super upscale resorts, though, so you know, your risk of contracting waterborne diseases, or getting involved with armed drug traffickers, or getting swept up in a human trafficking ring is probably low. Then again, with the American economy floundering the way it has been lately, what an asshole thing to post about. LUXURY. Who can afford “rustic-chic apartments starting at 1.3 million euros, or $1.95 million at $1.50 to the euro”? So you might have to stay in a hovel after all.

Also, what kind of asshole writes about “rustic-chic” apartments and “ultra-exclusive” French skiing villages “overrun by Russian billionaires?” Are you serious!? It kind of reminds me of the ridiculous gift guides from upscale retailers.

hay honey, i didn’t know wut 2 get you so i got spontanyus and i got this $ 9,500 fur coat from the gift gide lol!

you could also splurge on a $35, 000 dragon topiary.

at least the dragon topiary breaks away from traditional gift guide gender binaries. usually, women get earrings and aprons and purses. dudes get cuff links and awesome gadgets.

not to ramble, but the topiary could really be a viable gift option if you could figure out how to make your own mini dragon topiary. pleasure dome take home point: mini topiariez!1

-miak.

bbw iso her own ted bundy

OMG, those autopsy photos in your bedroom are like sooooo interesting!

Nowadays gaydar gets all the attention, but there are countless other (and more detrimental) ways in which a girl’s social navigational system can lead her astray. For instance, one pleasure mistress in particular has severely deficient creepdar (and you might too…) Do any of the following turn you on?

• Non-traditional facial hair
• Weaponry
• Fan fiction
• Alternative personalities
• Transience
• Misdemeanors
• Raw meat
• Lechery
• Leprosy
• The occult
• The unemployed
• Crypticness
• Hot Pockets
• General unwashedness
• “Heh heh”

Yep. That’s what we thought. See you in the back alley (if we’re not already stuffed in the trunk of rusted out Buick somewhere, that is).

Would probably have let him hit it,

Jame

UPDATE- Thank god for Fox News! Now we can totally bone weirdos without the whole awkward “so-are-you-going-to-make-a-lampshade-out-of-me-or-not?” talk.

lunchin’

if you don’t have the time (or artistic inclination) for cooking cute, you could pack your lunch in a MUNCHLER. i would probably use the panda or the tiger.
it would be such a cheerful way to lunch.